Comment

Comment by Norm Jewett on February 21, 2012 at 1:04pm

You can send a man to congress

But you can't make him think

Comment by Malcolm Dell on February 20, 2012 at 2:45pm

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Comment by Joshua Newkirk on February 11, 2012 at 11:29am

A lawyer, after years of marriage to a very religous woman, found himself on his deathbed. As the end drew closer, he yelled to his wife to fetch him the bible.

She leaped with joy with the thought of his repentance! 

She quickly fetched and handed the bible to her husband who as quick as he could, started skimming page after page.

Out of curiosity, his wife asked what he was doing. His response was quick and effortless.

"Looking for loopholes"

Comment by Terry Canfield on January 21, 2012 at 9:56am

I'm beginning to lose my faith in the "Education System." With all their Bachelor's Degree, Masters of Education, and PhDs, you'd think they'd realize they have to stop calling it "high" school!

Comment by Terry Canfield on January 21, 2012 at 9:52am

Wow Norm, That's a heck of a lot of fine print!

Comment by Norm Jewett on January 19, 2012 at 9:38pm

A dentist and an attorney, former college roommates, rented a small aluminum boat and did a little off shore fishing one fine summer day. After spending a long day on the water catching up on old times they noticed the sun was going down and that they had drifted much farther out to sea than they had realized.

When they went to start the motor on the boat it wouldn't start. After some tinkering the attorney got frustrated and slammed a pair of pliers and a screwdriver into the bottom of the boat, puncturing the boat with several holes. As the water began entering the boat they discovered that there were no oars and that the only thing available for them to bail water was their coffee cups from that morning.

Very soon there were several sharks circling the boat. When they realized that the boat was eventually going to sink due to the water coming in faster than they could bail it out and because their arms were beginning to get tired, the dentist made a suggestion.

He told the attorney, "Since I was a star swimmer in both high school and college, if you'll distract the sharks by splashing in the water at the back of the boat I'll jump of the bow and swim for shore and bring back help." The attorney had no better ideas and agreed to the plan. He splashed up a lot of water and the sharks moved to the back of the boat. The dentist dove in and was really racing to the shore. Unfortunately the sharks were only distracted momentarily and they were much faster swimmers. The dentist managed to get almost a hundred feet before he became shark food.

As the sharks continued to circle the little boat and the attorney kept throwing water out as fast as he could swing those cups the boat eventually just disappeared from beneath him. At this point he knew it was over for him but in hopes that the sharks had already had enough food since they weren't chopping down on him he began to swim to shore.

After what seemed like forever, with sharks lined up within a foot or two on either side of him, his hands hit sand. He looked up, stood up and went on up the beach. The sharks turned and headed back out to sea.

For those of you who find this curious and are wondering why they didn't also eat the attorney the answer is really quite simple.

It's called professional courtesy.

Comment by Norm Jewett on January 19, 2012 at 9:23pm

Joshua I grant you permission to tell all the lawyer jokes you like. As a member of the California Bar Association and the founder of this community I believe I have the authority to do so. Of course I can't guarantee that such a decision on my part may, or will not be deemed as an infringement of the rights of others who may have chosen to participate in the profession of law, nor can I state unequivocally that there would be no member of another community also established for the provisioning of humorous relief to other members of said community that would not take offense at the blatant display of humor and ridicule directed at members of the legal profession. It should further be observed that it is the right of every individual and/or legal entity of whatever nature to make claims against any other individual and/or legal entity of any nature and to present those claims to a court of proper jurisdictional authority. Said claims may, if not settled prior to a formal ruling by an arbitrator, magistrate, judge or other party legally competent to hear such matters and render a binding decision, may result in the party originating such claims becoming entitled to compensation of some measure from the party against whom such relief is sought, resulting in the party of the second part being subjected to the obligation to pay such damage claims or to perform such other acts as the hearing officer renders appropriate as a remedy for the violation of rights for which said judgment is being rendered. Furthermore it should be noted that in certain hearings or procedural settings it may be possible to waive one's right to have the case heard by a higher authority on appeal. In such cases it is this .......... yada, yada, yada and a blah, blah, blah.......

Comment by Terry Canfield on January 18, 2012 at 12:53pm

Joshua, I believe any profession/occupation/trade that has a lot of jokes specifically aimed at it should pay attention to the fact that they seem to be generating a lot of emotion (good or bad) toward them.  Humor is an essential societal barometer. That being said, I enjoy a good joke about almost anything, even at me.  :)

Comment by Joshua Newkirk on January 17, 2012 at 11:48pm

A young man walked into a bar and while sitting at the bar, he noticed a table of old men taking turns shouting out numbers and laughing hysterically. After observing this for quite some time, he asked the bartender what they were doing. The bartender told him that they had been sitting there for so many years, telling the same jokes over and over that hey numbered them to make it easier.
The young man decided to give it a try and stood up and yelled out "thirteen" to which the entire bar went silent. He looked at the bartender and asked what happened... The bartender hung and shook his head and said "you told it wrong."

Comment by Joshua Newkirk on January 16, 2012 at 6:11pm

Hey all! Just looked through all your past pages while I was at work. You post some funny stuff! how do you all feel about lawyer jokes?

 

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