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Comment by Norm Jewett on May 20, 2011 at 6:14pm

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 

C   Z   W   I   X   N   O   S   T   A   C   Z

 

“Can you read this?” the optician asked.

“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “'I know the guy.”

Comment by Norm Jewett on May 17, 2011 at 1:31pm

After a long night of making love, the guy

notices a photo of another man, on the woman's

nightstand by the bed.  He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his

ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,

hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'

she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. 
She whispers in his ear

'That's me before the surgery.' ...

 

Comment by Cindy Vanhoff on May 13, 2011 at 10:46am

hee hee!  smiling...

 

Comment by Patrick M. Bopray on May 2, 2011 at 11:21am

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.


He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you moron!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Comment by Terry Canfield on April 9, 2011 at 7:29am

Verrrry funny... Now that's how PowerPoint should be used!

Comment by Dannie Lynn on April 1, 2011 at 10:27am

"NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK" made me laugh so hard tears ran down my leg.

Comment by Charity G. Smith on March 16, 2011 at 12:10pm

I love it!!!

Comment by Norm Jewett on March 12, 2011 at 11:50pm

How much Cocaine did Charlie Sheen use?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

Enough to kill two and one half men

;-)

 

 

Comment by Norm Jewett on March 12, 2011 at 11:49pm

Bill Gates vs GM CEO
Aka: Computers vs Cars

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

  "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........  Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4.  Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5.  Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8.  Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9.  Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.  You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who love -- but sometimes hate --
their computers!

Comment by Norm Jewett on March 11, 2011 at 9:08pm

ANNOUNCEMENTS IN CHURCH BULETINS

 

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

 

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

 

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

 

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

 

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

 

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

 

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

 

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

 

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24^th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

 

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

 

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

 

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

 

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

 

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

 

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00PM – prayer and medication to follow.

 

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

 

This evening at 7PM there will be a hymn-singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 

Ladies bible study will be held Thursday morning at 10AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

 

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

 

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM; Please use the back door.

 

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

 

Weight Watchers will meet at 7PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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